Witnessing the Rebirth of the Self

New Life. New Country. (Almost) New Me.

I recently moved to the beautiful city of Cambridge in the UK. I am returning to the classroom after 7 years of being out there working, chasing and building a life in Delhi, India. Doing an M.Phil in Public Policy at the University of Cambridge feels like a dream. However, my life back home was starkly different from everything here. So were my ambitions and aspirations. So was I. Hence, this path was never a part of my plan but like always life happened and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. 

In some ways I lived a sheltered life at home with my family affectionately taking care of me. Moreover, I have never been away from home for more than ten days in nearly three decades of my life. I cling to comfort and familiarity, to safety and love. I feel dependent on my loved ones and my support system. I also love my country and so being away in a foreign land sounded unsettling for irrational reasons. 

I am proud of the professional life I cultivated with determination and the personal relationships I have nurtured with dedication back home. So, the opportunity to start anew was both exciting and nerve-wrecking. 

Yet, I chose to uproot my wonderful life in my stable land so as to belong to the voyage as I seek uncertain shores.

And so, here I was, with my life packed away into two suitcases, arriving at my college accommodation about a fortnight ago. Like every overwhelming moment of life, I opened my notes app and wrote - 

“My life is pregnant with promising possibilities. A rebirth of the self has been initiated. I wait with hope and anticipation for what will come out on the other side.”

I am surprised by just how much has happened in as little as a fortnight. I often feel removed from myself, as if I am witnessing another person in who I am and what I am becoming at this new place and on this adventurous journey. So, inspired by my dear fellow writer

Shreya Iyengar

’s stunning list on observing a new self in France, I penned down the messy musings of my dear heart.

• Contrary to my parochial perception of myself, I am a full blown independent individual. I love being on my own. I love taking on challenges. I handle uncertainty well. My strong self cries as the first response but then takes on the problem head on. So many things have not gone as per my meticulous planning and research but I have navigated my way around them regardless, learning to laugh at myself even amidst major fiascos.

• I have big ambitions. I chase them with audacity. I courageously own my choices and my aspirations. I strongly own the consequences and bear its weight.

• I am adulting very well, or at least it appears so momentarily. I am surprised by myself.

• I love grocery shopping. It’s my new candy shop.

• Home is not just a place. Home is not just the people. Home is not just a few feelings. Home is what you fiercely choose to hold on to and gently attempt to cultivate despite all odds.
  These days my home is virtual as I get on long video calls with my family or exchange unbelievably long voice notes with friends. These days my home is spiritual as I get to feel at home deep inside my being. I carry around my home inside me. No wonder homesickness, which I was anticipating about, has not come to visit me yet.

  

• I am good at asking for help with humility. I am good at offering help with empathy.

• Coming here was difficult and financially demanding. However, it is the best investment I have ever made because it an investment in myself. I’m glad I took this huge leap of faith for myself. I know I will land on the other side and meet my highest potential self.

• I love cooking. Even though I can count on my fingers the number of times I cooked at home all my life, here I do it daily. I also plan it well to batch cook and pack my tiffin boxes. Cooking started off as survival, led towards budgeting, meandered into familiarity and joy, and is now pure bliss. My floormates joke that every time they enter our shared kitchen they are used to seeing me and that my apron has become a part of me. 

• My meticulous budget tracker. My detailed grocery sheet. My ever expanding to do list. My “shoot your shots, babe” reminder sheet. It adds up to my very chaotic life of chasing possibilities and staying in charge. I enjoy every bit of this madness. I feel like I am in my natural habitat.

• I have time. Life is long. I am only beginning to get started. It’s a gorgeous journey ahead.

• I cook like my mom. My mom is the best cook in the world and I was the laziest and most unskilled person in this regard. “Sar pe padegi toh sab ache se karlegi tu”, she would say. (When your back will be against the wall, you will be able to do it all very well). I admit, she was correct, as moms often are. I have cooked everything here - the simple and the mundane, the grand and the indulgent, all by myself with her loving guidance and encouraging company on call. I taste my dish and get surprised by how it has that familiar delicious taste. I look towards her on my phone and she laughs saying, “Dekha! Meri beti hai tu. Meri jaisi hai!” (See! You are my daughter. You are like me)

  

• “The secret ingredient is always love”, reads my apron. This has also always been the motto of my life. It hasn’t let me down. Each day here reminds me that this life of mine is my labour of love. I feel lucky and overjoyed that I get to call this my life.

• I like this new life. I like this new city. I like this new country. I love my homeland too. I can do both and one does not take away from the other. My patriotism does not take away from my desire to pursue an ambitious life abroad. 

• My self talk has turned into the conversation that my mother has with me. Like her I’ve learnt to be loving, gentle, kind and encouraging towards myself. I’m so grateful for this one relationship that helped me brave all weathers of my life and has now further empowered me to being that protective force for myself. If I ever choose motherhood, the reason would be my mother because I have experience what good parenting can do to a child’s life in the most magnificent ways! 

• My love for my family and friends does not take away from my love for myself. I love company. I love solitude. I can cherish both as I live a full life.

• I caught a cold last week. I cut my finger while chopping onions yesterday. I surprised myself with my ability to respond calmly and then nurse myself back to health. Earlier health emergencies were about being pampered. Now they are about feeling self-sufficient and strong. I am grateful for both. 

• I love long walks. I love nature. I love admiring quaint corners of a city. I am at the place most perfect for me. Even dull days light up here (at least until the winter sets in which is a season waiting to be experienced and reflected upon).

  

• Being in a developed country which is safer for women suddenly revealed to me my repressed life back home. I was always aware of it but never practically experienced it this way. It is new to not worried about my safety while on the road or as I enthusiastically meet men. To not keep my guard up all the time. “Text me when you reach back safely”, I say to my Delhi friend here and we both laugh in frustration at how this constant fear is muscle memory, a trauma that we can never unlearn no matter how people tell us that we are in a safe environment now. Yet, my second skin of gender is slowly coming off after a lifetime of holding me captive and I feel mildly free to turn into a human being from a woman.

• I trust the nourishing power of human connection and community. I have been lucky to stumble upon good people almost everywhere. I can make friends easily.

• Friends who do chores together is my new amazing discovery of life. 

• Kindness and warmth is appreciated. Floor mates check-in on each other. Strangers wish each other a good day. Colleagues help each other. Friends show up for each other. As a people’s person I enjoy this atmosphere immensely.

  

• I am always acting upon my aspirations, hoping that this is my way of collaborating with the universe and potentially achieving all that I desire and deserve. I show up for events. Network with authenticity. Study with sincerity. Share my work publicly. Reach out for opportunities even if the answer is most likely no. I try. I believe. I keep trying. I keep believing. And, that is enough for now.

• I am a confident person who is unafraid to put herself out there in the hope to find opportunities, build network and forge friendships. I am finally in that era of my life where I know my worth for what it is, neither shrinking myself down in low self-estimation nor over-evaluating where I stand. This has been the most liberating feeling. I know my worth and what I deserve with a sense of self-assuredness. I know my limitations and am open to exploring other shortcomings, actively trying to work on them with humility.

• I can say no. To people, things and experiences. If it doesn’t sit well with me I don’t think twice before walking away towards wherever my peace of mind takes me. Knowing yourself is a superpower, indeed.

• I love being by myself, with my thoughts and in the rhythm of my routine. I still find self-love as a strange sounding concept but I feel it deep within my bones. I often say to myself with a smile “Mai apni favourite hu”, the popular Hindi film film dialogue. (I am my favourite).

• The universe is always looking out for me. Especially when I think that it is not looking out for me.

• Student life in the late twenties feels good. It is the perfect blend of company and solitude, of opening your mind to new horizons while holding on to your core values and of chasing the unfamiliar shores with a reassuring inner strength.

  

• I am adventurous and I love new experiences. I recently went for a boat rowing session which brought immense joy to my heart. I surprised myself as I signed up as a member for weekly practice. It was challenging but thrilling and so I embraced it.

• I am courageous and strong, resilient and anti-fragile. I sometimes look back at the difficult last few years of my life, tracing a journey that would have then appeared impossible. How did I make it so far in life? How did I make it to these highs of happiness, satisfaction and prosperity from the lows of sorrow, despondency and defeats? The universe has been generous. And, I have been perseverant. Together, the magic happened.

• I often pause in mundane magical moments of my day repeating Mary Oliver’s glorious words -
  “Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

• I am a work in progress. I continue to witness myself.

I have learnt that belonging to the journey has its fair share of trials but also its tiny moments of triumphs. You surprise yourself in the most beautiful and unlikely ways when you are planted in a new soil. Witnessing the rebirth of the self is the most fulfilling and delightful sights of one’s life. 

So, today, about a fortnight since my big move, I write something in my notes app, from myself to myself, as I witness the rebirth of the self - 

“It’s time to bloom, Sanskriti! Surprise me with your grace, tenacity and adaptability. Your hard-earned time to thrive has finally come. Blossom gloriously, you audacious one!”